i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
