You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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