im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
