every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
