i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
