I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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