Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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