He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
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