someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
