the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
