Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
