3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
