what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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