Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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