Heybabeimwearingurpanties
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
