I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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