GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
