he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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