There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
