please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
