ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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