My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
