I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
