Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
