Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
