You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
