i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
