Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
i think my cat just said my name.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
