I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
