I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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