suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
