Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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