Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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