Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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