For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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