his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
