just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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