i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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