Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
