You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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