yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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