Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
