So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
