it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I think your dad took our porno
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
