I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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