I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
