I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So apparently I’m into choking now
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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