i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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