Already got asked if we're dating
my phone needs a breathalizer
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
