I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
