While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
